the love of a first born

Muhammad Aiman Fahim turns 6 yrs old this year..

that means he will be in primary school next year. few years ago, thinking about it gives some shivers and butterflies..i remember talking about this with my close friends..especially Zura..since we had each other back since the day we knew that we are both pregnant, one month apart. i always say that i couldn't bear the thought of letting my eldest son goes to a primary school..as if i am not prepared that my son has grew up..and i am not getting younger..lol

A mother's love to her first born will always be different than the others. it's not intentional..seriously. i learn a lot from Aiman..he thought me on how to be patience..how to prioritize others than yourself..how to be creative..how to manage time..i have become a better person with him by my side..

i experienced multiple miscarriages before i had Aiman..i think that is why i devoted all my love to him. the first one was a month after my wedding day.. i was about 5 weeks when i knew about it..and 7 weeks when i started to bleed and miscarriage. it was an awful experience. i remember being so sad and in grief all the time as people around me started pouring good news about their pregnancies. then the second pregnancy falls on the 5th month of our marriage..i was all over the moon when i knew about it..had scans and all..everything was great..i had a mild morning sickness and having a very big appetite..then the sky was dark again when there is no progress on my pregnancy on the 7th week..the doctor gave me some pills that causes the tissue to pass out of your womb. this time i really had a long grief..i don/t even feel like meeting people..i had never had the chance to tell people that i miscarry again (or maybe i was ashamed about it)..but people keep asking me why i don't show any signs of being pregnant..i shut myself all the time. that is why i always support and gives motivation to my friens who are trying to conceive..support is the best way to move forward..you need support for this kind of situation..it is really hard to survive alone. trust me, been there, done that.

then i started a routine after 40 days of pantang. build myself up..took additional vitamins and all, and we received the great news exactly a year of our marriage. incek husband is the happiest man, with his grin and happy face..my mom had me in cautious mode all the time..heyy, i really like the attention hihihi

enough about me..so afer aiman was born..there goes my beauty sleep.and a eartful meal..i had to shower quickly, eat while bf'ing him..sleep for only two hours and the list goes on..phewww..but aiman had always cheers up my day..not even a single day of me coming home, not smiling to his face..laugh at his child accent..all my stressful thoughts about work will be gone as son as i am reaching him..the power of love under HIS love.

aiman grew up as a very talkative boy..loves to tell stories a lot..asking things all the time..i really adore on how he thinks and his level of curiosity..people are fond of aiman..i always have this proud feeling of having aiman as my son (cheezyyy i knoww..lol)..when we had aqil, aiman shows brothely love as soon as he mets aqil..at first, i thought it must be hard as aiman had all of our attention for t past three years..but little that i know, aiman is ready..ready to have a baby brother..ready to have a friend in the house..an things got better when we had ariq..aiman is a very responsible brother..helps me soothe his brother while i changed the diapers of another. 

Aiman, when you read and understand this..i want you to know, every single time..with your good and not good attitude, i will always be on your side..I am rooting for you and we will figure it out together. 

You could be terrible at school and never pass another exam or math test and I’d never ever look at you differently or be less proud. i am so worried about you going to school..couldn't bear the thoughts that you can be bullied at school..you will cry and there will be no one there to comfort you..you could be blamed although its not your fault..and you have to face this by yourself..i know this is life, but i always hoped i can face all these for you..i remember all my wrong doing to you..sometimes you make me mad, and i yell at you..but know this, i yell at myself back when you are not looking..sometimes i would blame you when you are not looking at your brothers while watching TV, but know this..i am actually mad at myself for blaming you..sometimes i wonder, how much time is left for me being your mom..thank you for accepting my imperfections and flaws..thank you for saying i am beautiful all the time, regardless how awful i look just to make me smile..i love you, Aiman..i really do.